Hah, good joke there, APitcher.

Well, I'm by no means an excellent cook, but I do know my way around the internet (Note: NOT kitchen). There are plenty of online resources to help you make cheesecake. I'd try some of these sites: http://www.ehow.com/how_10053_make-cheesecake.html, http://www.cooks.com/rec/search/0,1-0,how_to_make_cheesecake,FF.html

i've had your cheese cake before.. and best advice to you.. don't make it. =/

i think for the crust/base many people crush up graham crackers and mix it in a little melted butter and spread it on the dish before adding the actual creamy filling, which is made of cream cheese and some other things, which i'm not sure exactly what they are. you should visit the foodnetwork website, i know they have some good recipes